Bad Body Double

I am lately lonely, I don't get out much.
The pillow in my pillowcase is easier to touch.

My heart won’t move,
It’s incomplete,
You can't tell but it’s quite the disease.

The dust has only just begun to fall,
Your oily marks appear on walls,
Where my memories were before.

I cut my long baby hair,
Looked for me everywhere,
Looked through the white fence cracks,
Climbed trees and walked down rail road tracks.

Went down to Mexico,
To a crazy little place I know,
Talked to a man with a black mustache,
I asked him a question, he told me "no”.
I thought I had wasted all my cash.
He cut my heart, just a small gash.
He bled my heart as dry as a baja highway lane.
I flew home that Sunday on a twin proppelor plane,
To come back to much the same.
Looking for an angle I hadn’t tried before,
Wishing I'd stocked up on tequilla I could pour.

It may seem like a stretch,
That God himself shaped us into front door welcome mats.
Thoughts like this get me in trouble,
They roll around in my head with the boulders and rubble.

I have a disorder of only being happy in the sun,
For the rest of the year I’m not that much fun.
But when there is an orange in the sky,
Being close to me will make you believe you can fly.

I had a dream about my sister standing by,
I said sister here is what I know,
In your love, my salvation lies.
I don’t have a sister.
She never was born so she never dies.

Sometimes my mind is too strong to carry on.
My mind is a razorblade, not something to be leaned on.
You asked me to be somebody, with a gun in your hand
I was going to be somebody but this wasn’t my plan.

I used to be a lunatic for all to see,
But now the linguistic language is leaving me.
My aching heart will bleed as I write,
I don’t know why I’m writing this tonight,
Trying to make some sense of it all,
But I’m seeing it makes no sense at all.

Seasons came and changed the time.
I remember when we used to play,
I called you mine?
Until this day sometimes I cry,
I didn’t take the time to lie.

I’ve had my fights,
Often I’ve been blown into the night,
I won’t give in,
If you’re too nice, you’ll never win.

Something told me to run,
There were sounds in my head,
A little boy that was whispering,
I should go and this should end,
Find myself some stable men.

I don’t know if I can stand another hand upon you,
All I know is that I should.
She will love you more than I ever could,
She who dares to stand where I stood.

I heard the door slam,
I looked the other way.
I hate the small talk and the empty days.
Somehow silver lining will have to take your place.
I’m scared of the things that people say.

I feel the worlds weight upon my breaking back,
I see uncertainty and my visible cracks,
But I’ll always believe in your right to shine.
So selfish, two words that could describe actions of mine.

I have been here many times before.
Hurt myself again today.
And the worst part is there is no one else to blame.

I am small.
And needy.
Warm me up.
And breathe me.

You’re so simple and so bare.
You wrapped me in cotton and stored me beneath your stairs.
And still my butterflies are hanging there.

My pillow is a bad body double,
It’s full of stuffing and shallow.
Things are not always how they seem.
They don’t always stay how they've been.

My heart can’t take this cover up.
I left you. Gave you up.
You seem as happy as you’ve ever been.
I'm glad you're happy though I'm quickly turning green.

I want to lie in my bed and do nothing,
But I close my eyes and see something,
I close my eyes and you’re there,
Smiling with the summer playing through your hair.
But then the picture fades and goes,
And you're crying, begging me please don’t go.

I don’t want to be the girl who never wants to be alone.
I don’t want to be the girl who’s never home.
It’s not the way I want my story,
It's not the way I'd pictured glory.

The quiet scares me because it screams the truth,
The night is calling and cursing my youth,
It whispers to me softly to come and play,
If I let myself fall I’m the one to blame.

How do I feel this good so low?
I'd forgotten my warmth and glow.
I’ve missed the still of the silence,
I’ve missed my faith and my science,
I’ve missed the sound of your voice,
It used to be the loudest thing in my head,
Instead I'm screaming silently in bed.
Begging for you to make me believe, make me forget.

But for tonight,
You would not believe,
That ten thousand fireflies,
Will light up the world as I fall asleep.

Tonight,
My disco ball is just hanging by a thread and the earth spins slowly as I lie in bed.
Why do I tire from counting sheep?
I’m far too tired to fall asleep.
Tonight, everything is never as it seems.
Tonight, I’ll make myself believe my pillow is you as I fall asleep.